Sleeping Bunny
by CeliaEquus
Summary: Once upon a time, a wicked witch bespelled a mild-mannered agent to become a rabbit. A sorcerer prevented the full transformation; but only true love's kiss would break the spell. In other words, Amora has cursed Phil, and now he needs to find someone to kiss the spell away. Disclaimer: I don't own the Avengers, or any other Marvel thingummies, nor am I making money from this.


"Sleeping Bunny"

"Once upon a time, there lived a man named Phillip, of the House of Coulson. He had the outward appearance of a man of business; yet inside of him beat the heart of a warrior, and he was much admired by all who knew him, especially—"

"Shut up, Tony," Rhodey said, hitting his friend upside the head. Tony scowled, trying to brush his hair back into place. "You've been spending way too much time with Thor."

"But this is totally a fairytale-type situation, Rhodey!"

"There's no need to mock him," Pepper said, frowning at Tony. She had conference-called the Avengers to find out why Phil wasn't answering his phone after the battle with Amora. "Now, where is Phil? If he's been loaded down with work again—"

"Sort of the opposite, ma'am," Steve said, rubbing the back of his neck. "Uh…"

"Captain Rogers, what's happened to Phil?" Pepper asked, speaking gently. Almost like you would speak to a frightened animal. It was scarily appropriate.

"Well, Amora decided to go after Agent Coulson, and… No, don't worry! We've got him. He's alive. H-he's just talking to Fury outside, I promise. But, uh…"

"Do I have to go after Amora and show her that I don't need super-powers to hand her ass to her on a platter?" Pepper said, expression darkening.

Just then, the door opened, and Fury strode into the room followed by Phil. Pepper's jaw dropped.

"Mrs. Stark," Fury said, passing the screen to stand at the head of the table.

"Sorry I won't be making lunch tomorrow, Pepper," Phil said, fidgeting in place. His hands were constantly moving, either twirling together, or rubbing his nose, or rubbing behind his ears. His significantly long, furry ears.

"What happened?" she asked.

"Like we said, Amora went after him," Tony said. "She cast a spell which would turn him into a rabbit by the end of an hour."

"Fortunately, Loki felt he owed Agent Coulson for almost killing him, so he agreed to help," Steve said, seeing that Tony was still having trouble not laughing. "He couldn't undo the spell, so he had to… adjust it."

"Which is where the fairytale thing comes in," Tony added. Steve frowned.

"Yes," he said. "We knew that a full-body transformation like that would be excruciatingly painful. Bruce and I can attest to how much that hurts. But rabbits can die just from being frightened. That kind of pain could've killed him by the end of the transformation, or at least that's what we figured. And if he survived that and she reversed the spell, that might've killed him instead."

"Not to mention that rabbits don't live as long as humans, so he probably would've died of old age anyway."

"This is all very reassuring," Pepper said, and she cleared her throat. "That doesn't explain… this."

'This' was the long pair of rabbit ears and the small, pink, twitching nose, with whiskers either side. And Pepper couldn't even see the white ball of fluff that constituted his tail. Not until she asked him to turn around, and saw it sticking out of the hole it had burst in the seat of his trousers.

"These are the only physical changes medical has been able to detect," Phil assured her. "Unfortunately, they will likely remain permanent, unless Amora can be convinced to undo the changes. And thanks to Loki's well-intentioned assistance, that may not be possible."

"Better that he saved your life, Phillip," Thor said, finally speaking. Loki had left again immediately, and Natasha and Clint were in medical, being supervised by Bucky so they wouldn't leave early.

"Is it? If I'm stuck like this forever, I wouldn't be so sure," Phil said acerbically. When Thor's face fell, he sighed. "Thanks for saying so, Thor. It's just that humans who don't look like humans aren't treated that well on Midgard. I literally will not be able to go out in public again. My ears won't go underneath any kind of hat, the nose can't be disguised without a mask, and the tail makes sitting comfortably difficult. Also, it won't fit inside my trousers, as you can see. It's just impossible. And no plastic surgery can fix problems caused by magic. So forgive me if I seem abrupt, but I fail to see any positives in the situation."

"Don't say that," Steve said, touching his elbow. "There's still…"

The room went silent, and no one moved.

"Still what?" Pepper asked. "Well? Tell me!"

Phil sighed. "Stark was right about it being like a fairytale," he admitted.

"How?"

"How is a spell usually broken in fairytales?"

She goggled at him. "True love's first kiss? Really?"

"That's what Amora said."

"So you just have to kiss everyone until you find the right person," Pepper said, relieved.

Phil's eyes narrowed. "There are so many problems with that I hardly know where to begin," he said. "First of all, I would like to retain the few remaining vestiges of dignity I possess. Secondly, I'm limited to those who would understand this lifestyle. Thirdly, I don't have feelings for anyone at present, so there is nothing to reciprocate. And can you see anyone wanting to spend forever with… 'this'?"

"Phil," Pepper said. "I… I'm sure that…"

"I'm returning to my room," he said, glancing at Fury. "I will complete my report there and send it to you, director."

"You're not gonna do something stupid, are you?" Fury asked. Phil's eyelids fluttered shut.

"No," he said. "If ever I get that desperate, you'll know."

He left as quietly as he'd entered. Pepper chewed her lip, and she looked at her husband.

"Tony, I'm coming home," she said. "If any business needs to be done, could you see to it if I'm with Phil?"

"Of course," he said. All humour had dissipated as the implications hit home.

* * *

The next few weeks were a busy witch-hunt. It seemed that Amora had crossed more than one enemy of SHIELD, and so Loki had used his connections to harness support from several less salubrious quarters. Amora was captured, and Odin took her back to Asgard for judgement. He swore that if there existed a way to reverse the spell on Phil, he would discover it. The agent held out little hope, and tried to go about business as usual.

He was studying something on a clipboard, while walking down a corridor, when his ears jerked around and he stopped.

"Can I help you, Captain Rogers?" he asked, still not looking up from his work.

"Sir, I'm sorry, but I can't help myself," Steve said. Phil jumped when fingers stroked his left ear. No one had dared touch any of his new features yet; he only handled them himself when he showered or washed, and there was no element of surprise. He grabbed his ear and stared at it, before spinning around to face the captain.

"Wha—"

"Sorry! Sorry. They've just been this big temptation all month—"

"Very big," Phil muttered, blushing as he released his ear. He never thought they'd be that sensitive.

"And adorable," Steve said quickly. "Really adorable. The ears, the nose, the… the tail." He flushed. "Just… adorable."

"Thank you, Captain Rogers. That makes me feel so much better about this whole mess," Phil said. He couldn't help sounding waspish, and turned around. "Any other temptations you want to give into? Play with my whiskers? Feed me carrots? Watch my nose twitch?" He sneered, and began to walk away. "Squeeze my damn tail?"

Before he could take more than a dozen steps, Steve wrenched him around, and grasped Phil's elbows in his strong hands.

"Why are you so angry?" he said. "We could've lost you! And do you think you could've kissed your true love in _rabbit_ form? Could you've understood the situation at all?"

"At least I wouldn't have been stuck like _this_, captain!" Phil gestured to himself. "Do you think anyone would actually want me—"

"The spell would be reversed—"

"No one's ever stayed before, so why should this be any diff—"

"Your true love would stay—"

"I don't _have_ a true love, cap—"

"You just haven't found them y—"

"Who would accept _this_ as part of the package?" Phil shouted, gesturing to his tail. "And this?" His nose. "And _these_?" His ears.

"I would," Steve said, chest heaving. "I would, Phil."

Without second-guessing himself, Steve pulled Phil into his arms and kissed him forcefully. It started out clumsy, but it got the point across; and by the end, it had calmed to something sweet and tender, and their hearts were pounding even as they pulled away. Phil's nose twitched against his, and…

And the nose was still there. So were the ears, straight and tall, and very much present.

"Oh," Steve said softly, breath hitching as he let go. "I… I really wanted it to be me, t-to break the spell. I didn't want anyone else to be your…" He swallowed deeply. "If you'd felt something for me, then maybe… But it's just not meant to be, is it?" He shook his head slowly. "I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry for the imposition."

Phil watched him turn and then walk down the hallway, head hung low and hands shoved into his pockets. Equally dejected – for a moment, he could've sworn there was something there, and he did want to find someone who would love him – he stood there, trying to remember which way to go.

Frustrated by the draught in his trousers, Phil adjusted them.

That was when he noticed the difference, and twisted his upper body around.

Three seconds later:

"Captain!" He looked up. Steve had disappeared. He must have already gone around the corner; the only doors along here led to cupboards. Phil ran in the direction the captain had taken, calling his name, and collided with the man himself as they both reached the corner.

"Agent Coulson?" Steve said, holding him steady.

"One step at a time," was all Phil said, before he hauled Steve down into another kiss, as long as he could make it. Steve's eyes closed at some point, and his hands made their way to Phil's lower back.

"What was that?" Steve asked. "If this is just to… I don't know why you'd do this, to be honest. You never gave any indication—"

"Move your hands lower," Phil said, resting his head on Steve's shoulder. "Just do it."

"…I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"You could never do that."

Hesitantly, Steve moved his hands down Phil's back, further and further, until they brushed over where the tail should have been. He groped about for the ball of fur, and stopped when he realised what he was actually groping.

"Phil," he said, backing up, turning red again. His eyes zeroed in on something else, or the lack thereof. "Your nose. It's normal again."

"Apparently so," Phil said. He touched the appendage, even though he could see it there, as plain as the nose on his… well. "A couple more kisses, and I should be back to my usual self."

"I'm glad," Steve said earnestly. "You've been so angry and depressed, I really was scared that you might do something foolish." Phil could feel him trembling. "I should've done what I really wanted to right from the start, ever since Amora said the spell could only be broken with a kiss. And when I finally did, and thought it didn't work… and that it meant you weren't going to be mine…"

"Shh." Phil stroked his hair. He'd meant appearance-wise. The fact that Steve didn't even care about that touched him deeply. "Kiss me again?"

The tension drained out of Steve with his action and words, and he obeyed.

* * *

Phil thought he'd been on the receiving end of a record number of stares while he was part-rabbit. Now that he was back to normal – with still no communication from Asgard, and therefore the handiwork of his true love – he was getting more than just stares. There were widened eyes and dropped jaws all over the place, and even Fury's eye-patch looked like it was going to fall off out of shock.

"So Captain America finally made his move?" Maria was the only one who didn't gawp.

"If you're asking whether Steve kissed me, then yes," Phil said, taking his place beside her and glaring several people back into doing their work. The others snapped back into work mode as well, rather than face a Coulson Look. "You knew?"

"Please," she said, tapping away on a screen. "He looks about as hang-dog as a national icon can whenever he's around you. After his initial look of abject glee."

"Abject glee? Really?"

"Not an exaggeration. It's blatantly obvious. There's been a betting pool going for months now." She glanced at him sideways, and smiled. "I think I've come in second or third. I didn't bet this exact day, but pretty close. Gotta find out who was closest."

"Probably Jasper. He always wins these— Should I be worried about the fact that I've been the subject of a betting pool?"

"You're a popular subject, actually. There are several still going."

"I meant a relationship betting pool."

"It's not the first time," she said. "But those always expire. No wonder." She clapped him on the shoulder. "You've been waiting for your true love."

He knew he was glowing on the inside way too much for his glare to have any affect on Maria Hill. She was soon distracted anyway.

"What?" he asked.

"I'll be damned."

"Who won?"

"I came in third, Jasper came in second…"

"And?"

She laughed shortly. "Dr. Banner came first."

"Sounds right. You shouldn't mess with geniuses."

"Only some geniuses." She pointed at the calendar. "Stark didn't think Steve would do anything about his feelings for at least another two months."

* * *

Once upon a time, there was a man named Phillip, of the House of Coulson. He was greatly saddened when a curse fell upon him, cast by the wicked sorceress Amora. Although she was defeated, he remained under the spell, until it was lifted by true love's first – and second, third, and fourth – kisses. The handsome soldier who claimed Phillip's warrior heart, Steven, of the House of Rogers, was glad to have won his claim, for he had long loved Phillip.

From that day forth, until the very day that they died, they lived happily ever after.

FIN

* * *

**What. The. Heck?**

**This is the fault of those darn tags on Cap-Coulson, and that picture of Coulbunny. On the plus side, this can be a make-it-up-to-you fic in the wake of 'Sung by Sinatra'. Yes, there may have been a teensy little bit of unwelcome angst, which wormed its way in totally not under my volition. But, on the whole, it ended happily, and I chucked in the fairytale bits because I wanted to.**

**Um, the title is a play on 'Sleeping Beauty', where true love's first kiss broke the spell.**

**On the subject of Phil's issues in this, I personally do not subscribe to the view that it's a bad thing to have bunny ears, nose, and tail. I would love to have a tail (and I think I would rock that look, quite frankly). Unfortunately, this is a cruel world, and Phil's work requires covert… thingummies. Also, part of the reason he's such a good agent is because he can blend into the background, and play the part of the everyman. He can't do that looking part-rabbit.**

**Like Steve, we all adore our handsome, kick-ass Agent Coulson. Am I right?**


End file.
